12 Signs you Have Poor Boundaries and How to Build Healthy Ones

Boundaries outline how we interact with others based on what we are and are not comfortable with. They keep us physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe, and can vary from person to person or as a result of different contexts or cultures.

Not setting and holding to clear boundaries can lead to many challenges, including burnout, lack of identity, and one-sided relationships. In this article, we will discuss key signs that you need to develop stronger boundaries and what it can look like to put healthy boundaries into practice.

Warning Signs of Poor Boundaries

  1. You can’t say “no”. As a result, you end up overcommitting to things you don’t have time or desire to do.
  2. You feel burnt out, often due to overcommitting to things that are not beneficial to you.
  3. You are constantly taking care of others, even to your own detriment. This is along the same lines as being the “mom friend,” but it takes it a step further as you either fail to think about or intentionally ignore your own needs.
  4. You feel like you can’t say what you need or want. For people-pleasers, this response often comes hand in hand with the fear of being a burden.
  5. You are a pushover and tend to let others walk all over you. You tolerate behaviour that is blatantly disrespectful of you.
  6. You struggle to have your own opinions or identity and will often feel a need to follow someone else, such as a parent or spouse, instead of developing these on your own. When you become used to compromising your core values and beliefs, you lose these core parts of your identity and begin following others to find them.
  7. You give away your time and valuable skills for free. While this is not always bad, doing it consistently is a sign that you lack boundaries and self-esteem (two things that are closely intertwined).
  8. You find relationships draining because they often involve people dumping their problems on you, leading to a give-take imbalance in which you give constantly and the other person takes.
  9. You are highly sensitive to the opinions of others, especially criticism or disapproval. You place your worth in the opinions of others rather than defining your value, and you are constantly seeking approval to reinforce your worth.
  10. You struggle to make decisions, as you are often used to going along with whatever others want.
  11. You feel responsible for others’ feelings and will blame yourself, even when it makes no sense. For example, if your friend had a bad day, you may feel personally at fault for it and feel you need to make it up.
  12. You resent those who ask things of you and those who have the boundaries to say “no.” Even though you agree to do certain things, you are still incredibly frustrated by and resentful about them. This resentment may materialize as general irritability or emotional outbursts over small, unrelated things.

Building Healthy Boundaries

Boundary setting will look different depending on the situation and individual, but these four steps, suggested by Mark Manson, provide a good outline for what healthy boundary setting and follow-through can look like:

  1. Set Clear Boundaries. What exactly are you okay with in terms of general behaviours, friendships, family relationships, ways of being treated, et cetera? It is normal for these boundaries to differ between people in your life (for example, you likely have more strict boundaries with your boss than you will with your family and close friends), as well as between settings (interacting with your friend in a business meeting will look different than when you are doing things for fun together).
  2. Set Clear Consequences. What will happen if someone oversteps these boundaries? Again, these will fluctuate with your boundaries. It is essential to set these before needing them so that you know how to respond if it does happen.
  3. Communicate. Communicating your boundaries and the consequences if these boundaries are overstepped is key to carrying out healthy boundaries. This does not need to come across as harsh, but it is important to be assertive.
  4. Follow Through. Easily the hardest part can be the follow through of both boundaries and consequences. It can be uncomfortable, especially if setting healthy boundaries is new to you and your relationships, but it is worthwhile.

Further Resources

For more information about healthy boundary-setting and its importance, we recommend reading through these articles:

How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Build Positive Relationships” by Positive Psychology “What are Boundaries, and Do I Need Them?” by The EFT Clinic

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